I've been working on the same report for an entire week now. As of 11:03am I've just finished! Looking for money, scrubbing details and hunting down a person's thought patter or rationale doesn't ....doesn't........doesn't stir my affections for Christ. February is finished but I've just realized that now I need to do the same for January. :( Cheers to all y'all who work well with numbers.
I know I briefly mentioned the end of online dating and I've been thinking of a way to relay my recent experiences. Online dating brings out the worst in me. My sister has seen the fluctuation of my heart first hand and has called me on it. She's completely right too. When I'd normally be really caring and considerate of someones feelings I find myself becoming more inconsiderate and at times down right rude. I've also noticed this sense of entitlement (pride) that causes me to instantly disqualify men who aren't professionals, or tall, or handsome, or who have been previously married or who have children.... the list goes on and on. This "entitlement" also stirs this mess within me that demands that I be treated a certain way (beware the grossness starts here) I'd like for him to initiate everything from initial contact to our first date. I, like all women, desire with all my heart to be pursued. I want him to put forth the effort in wanting to know all aspects of me - essentially to chase down my heart that should be always hidden in Christ (but most of the time isn't).
However, I've noticed a huge trend in online dating and there's something about the anonymity of it all that causes men to be so much more bold in regards to sex. I know that physical attraction does play a large part in an initial impressions but over the last 2 months I've mostly felt like cheap whore. It really hurts my heart when men seem to have good intentions in getting to know me but not a day or two goes by before sexual innuendos are being flung left and right and their true intentions become apparent.
On the flip side I'm not an angel. I've had my runs around the sun and because of it I need to have strict accountability set in place to ensure that I don't cross my boundaries and dishonor God. But, I do have to admit (in the grossness of my heart) that I'm less offended by man's "advances" if I'm attracted to him.... (thanks for that loving heart check, Uyen! gotta love how your true friends point out your blind spots!) ugh! I feel like such a hypocrite! So, I'm perplexed... how do you let a man know you're interested in his advances without causing him or myself to stumble?
I've met some interesting people thus far - widowers, older men, younger, taller, shorter, smaller, bigger, funny, hard hearted, stubborn, with children and without, computer nerds to the self employed, Puerto Rican to German, white men who speak Spanish (hotness!) to Nigerians to who speak french..... Maybe I should meet in the middle and find a Jesus loving, young professional, with a little bit of hipness Cuban mulatto who can call me "mamita"!!!
Ladies, just beware that if I end up dating a Puerto Rican or Cuban man who can speak sweet Spanish nothings in my ear you better be ready to stand guard for 24/7 accountability! And, if he has a single brother you might have to do the same for my sister!! haha!!