Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Back to Realness

It’s been hard to blog about the difficult and real things going on in my life lately. More people are reading and it’s no longer a close little group of people that I know well and who know me. I fully don’t believe in coincidences and I know that whomever is reading this blog is here because God brought them here, but I’m having a hard time laying it out there as I once had the confidence in sharing my heart via Sweetness. The purpose of this blog was initially established as accountability and lately I’ve skirted the hard issues with humor, randomness and pictures. I’m not saying that any of those things are bad, but I’m just saying that I’m avoiding putting my heart out there.

Lately, the avoidance of dealing with sin has be running in circles. I over eat when I’m not willing to deal. Over eating causes me to over spend. Those close to me know that I live off a strict cash only budget. I give myself a weekly allowance for everything from groceries, lunch money, to entertainment money. When I pay for anything it’s always in cash. If I don’t got the cash I don’t need to buy it. It’s a pretty standard personal rule. There are a few exceptions like taking my girls out to lunch or dinner or buying a birthday gift but overall I don’t swipe the plastic. However, these last 2-3 weeks I’ve been going over my budget. I mean I’m not hurting in the least bit financially but I know my limitations and lately I’ve far surpassed those limitations. You’ll know where your heart is because of how you spend your money. Just look at your statements…it’ll show you real quick what you prioritize.

So, overeating, causes over spending, spending isn’t hurting me really but it’s not glorifying God either, then on top of it all the extra calories from eating crap outside my home isn’t doing my body any good. Instead of losing weight I’m maintaining. I haven’t cooked a single meal in my home in 2 weeks. I started cooking again tonight. In fact, after my ride I came in craving something sweet and almost made a pumpkin pie but pulled myself away from the kitchen. I didn’t come out empty handed though! Chocolate milk was my friend.

Just know that I’m wrestling. I’m avoiding. And, I’m letting you know that it’s must stop. My mind has been consumed with men lately. Well, not men but specifically one man. And to add insult to injury two “friends”/acquaintances got engaged this weekend and my heart screams “Really, God? Really?”

So, I find myself running in circles trying to make something work that God hasn’t ever given me the OK to engage. I also find myself not wanting to give up this struggle so I’m back in full force of emotional eating. Ask, Uyen, she’ll tell you…she reads my food tracking. This is a pointless battle because only He can complete me. Only He can provide. Only He can heal. These are the rants of a girl in full flow pity party.

I know this is a totally atypical post. I don’t think I’ve ever…EVER blogged about my struggles with singleness but this is where I am. I’m hurting. I’m waiting. I’m done running. It’s time to deal.

Thanks for reading.


Chrissy said...

Peggy's friend...
Thanks for being so honest. I totally understand the single thing. (I'm 31.)

Marcy said...

Hey Chrissy, thanks for commenting. I'm glad (and sad at the same time) that you understand. I really felt foolish putting all my junk out there but sad to admit my struggles with singleness sometimes drives me to struggles with self control. It's an insanity cycle! I hope we'll get a chance to meet soon!

Chrissy said...

If you're ever in Austin, let me know. :)