It's been a rough go for the last two weeks. All of it was my own doing. Just know that the devil is in the details and there are a lot of details.
Unbelief rules my life at times. A friend gently pointed out that I always have a plan B. I never noticed it before but I do always have a backup plan ready to take action in case God's plan doesn't work according to my will.
I also recognized that I seriously began to feel like God owed me. I know it's a bold statement and I also know that it's sinful/prideful. I began to think "I've been good for so long.I've worked so hard. I've fought the good fight. And, I deserve a break." I felt that because I had tried soooo hard in not falling into various temptations that I had done well and I deserved a pat on a back and a free pass to sin.
Again it was pointed out to me that the temptations I was able to fight off and the freedom that I've seen in my life were not in anyway of my own doing. It was not done by my own power, my strength nor my will but completely done through and by the Holy Spirit.
I was taking credit for what God was/is doing in my life. And, not only was I taking credit for it but I wanted to be able to sin because of it. And, it seems that the last two messages delivered at church have been almost more than I could bare. I was astonished by John's the Baptist's life, even though I'd heard and read it for myself hundreds of times before. He was obedient and his purpose in life wasn't about his own comfort or his own joy, but it was about God's plan and God's will. God was satisfied with John's life and it ended with his beheading. God was gloried. And God's plan continues to move forward through all generations, even into ours, and John the Baptist died a long long long time ago with out ever living a life of comfort or seeing all of God's promises fulfilled.
I was astonished to see how quickly I fell into my own pit of sin and how quickly my heart began to harden. None of us are immune. When our guard is let down for just a second and we begin to focus on our own agenda it's amazing how quickly the enemy comes in and begins to weave such colorful and deceitful promises. I'm thankful for tight community. I'm thankful for people that speak truth into my life. I'm thankful that I attend a church where the Word of God is poured out in a simple and unapologetic fashion. I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit that continually stirs our heart through conviction that leads to repentance.
I've always said that my weight loss (and gain) is directly attributed to my spiritual well being. Saturday's weigh in was a shocking yet expected. I gained 7 pounds in 2 weeks. The woman that weighs me in each week, Linda, made a remarkable statement. She didn't even look at me when she said it, but just made this blanket statement "Marcy, you've lost your motivation."
She couldn't have been more right.
I have fallen. But, I haven't stayed face down. This race is not over.