What can I say? It's been a total drag being a blogger. I haven't wanted to blog for many reason. First, I've felt that my journey hasn't been worth blogging about because everything seems to be flying in the crap hole. Secondly, because of shame. Thirdly, because of ....more shame.
Ok, real number time.....
I've gained weight. A lot of weight. I can feel it on my body. I feel heavy again. Not that being my size doesn't feel heavy all the time but I can feel the added weight and how it affects my quality of life. My belly sits lower (who am I kidding?...it hangs lower over my body) my arms are becoming "un"toned and larger, my double chin seems to have a cousin now and they're living on my face!!! It's harder to cross my legs. And, all my jeans are completely uncomfortable. Last I checked I had gained about 23lbs of the 66lbs that were originally lost. I didn't weigh in last week so the number might be higher. And, as you know.... I haven't wanted to admit and least of all have I wanted to blog this and I can't believe I just did it.
I can't seem to make myself track my food on weight watchers. It's almost as if I have this inner rebellion deep within myself that refuses to do what I know will help. I also haven't been working out as I know I can. There are so many things floating in my heart at the moment I find myself having a hard time grasping any idea long enough to solidify it into this blog.
Over thanksgiving I gained 9 lbs. It must have been the oreo cheesecake I found myself unable to pull away from or maybe it was the pecan pie? Actually, it was everything coupled with no exercise. Seriously, I know it's an easy concept. Formula = Eat well + working out = weight loss (calories in - calories out). However, as believers our formula isn't so easy. God never guarantees such a formula...
I had dinner with some friends this week and one the young ladies said something that has been on my heart and mind all week. She was talking about how people often think that they need to have a "WOW" relationship with God to know that He's working and moving in their lives. She admitted that she hardly ever has those "WOW" moment but what she does know is that in her lifetime Obedience does equal blessing. *I've had to pause for a moment to continue thinking about what she said.* Obedience does equal blessing. Blessings do not always encompass more money in your bank account, health, a great looking body and a Fiiiine man at your side. His blessings are so much deeper and often much more subtle, aren't they?
So, I leave this blog feeling better. I laid it out there. The accolades have pretty much ceased and I've learned that I found more pleasure in hearing them than worshiping the one who gave me the strength to complete the task at hand. He's had to remove my idols and I've fallen and cried without them. He's still pulling and stretching and poking and I have to admit that I'm mad at Him at times. I wish He would make this walk easier. I know He can snap his fingers and this battle would be over, but I also know He's lovingly doing something powerful. Please, keep praying.