Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Audience Of One

While working on my finances today I decided to fire up iTunes for some musical distraction. Audience of One by Big Daddy Weave was the first song that popped up on my random mix.

Instantly I was transported to my tiny 441 square foot apartment in downtown Bellevue, WA. The sun was shining perfectly as it was summer time and the windows and screen door were open for ventilation. One beautiful sunshiny day makes up for all the dark and dreary days in Seattle and this particular day was one of them.

I moved there to get way. I left a fiancé behind who encouraged me to follow my dreams despite how much it hurt him to see me go. I didn't have the guts to call off my engagement. Like the coward that I was I hid behind "a career move" to the furthest point in the US from Denton, TX imaginable. I also wanted to be free. I deliberately wanted to go wild without anyone there to keep watch or hold me accountable.

When I'm in a "I don't care. I wanna do it anyway" mood I generally try to turn a blind eye to the Holy Spirit screaming with in. It's amazing how well I play spiritually deaf and blind. At this particular moment in time I wanted to be wild and free in a way that could only be fulfilled with debauchery. (How's that for honesty?)

It sorta makes me smile to think of all the instances that God totally pulled the rug out from under me while I was trying to "be bad". Don't get me wrong...he didn't spare me from all and to this day I still bare some of those scars. Anyhow, when I'm playing deaf and blind it's difficult for me to listen to music about Him. Listening to heart shredding worship makes me wanna do nothing but fall on my face and cry out before him. That reaction isn't exactly conducive to the lifestyle that I so desperately thought I wanted to live.

Get this. I moved there and for a week waited for my phone, internet and every other portal imaginable to the outside world to be set up. I couldn't use my phone because back in the day i had next to no minutes on my cell plan and by the time 9pm rolled around it was 11pm in Texas and it seemed that EVERYONE was dead asleep. I was lonely, it was too quiet and the only bit of noise that could be offered to me inside my studio was a clock radio. Oddly enough the only station that would clearly catch a signal was Spirit 105, a contemporary Christian station. haha! He's pretty dang funny, huh?

So, this song is one of those songs playing on the radio when I so badly didn't want to be hearing it. Ironic? I don't think so...Our God is pretty determined to get our attention and love him for it.


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