Sunday, September 28, 2008

Where I've been

This journey began 13 months ago because I was done. I was completely exhausted of total defeat and I gave up. I stopped trying.... then and only then did God move in. He took this defeated weakling and began to mold me. He used Recovery at the Village to expose my dependence on food. HE used Sir Chadwick to beat my body into submission. He used his Spirit to encourage and empower me when I felt like I couldn't keep going. And, he used an outrageous number of his children to come long side me to encourage and pray and cry and push me toward obedience and transformation.

Then Sir Chadwick and I took a sabbatical from working out together. I began to take control of "the program". I slowly began to follow the rules without checking in with the Lord. It no longer was about Him it was now about results and accolades. Then I became distracted. I was tempted. And, quietly began to unearth an ancient pit.

Needless to say - i jumped right in. Before I knew it I was completely covered in darkness and found myself far, far away from the Lord. As sin began to take over my life I returned to food. Because I knew the consequence of sin I needed to be numbed from the constant reminder that I was fading and fading fast into death. So, I ate and ate and ate. I continued to workout. I continued to follow the program I had been taught but the most important component was missing because I couldn't come before him. I tried to leave him out of the picture. I couldn't talk to Him because I was ashamed. I didn't want to offer my closed fist and I didn't want to give up what He had already taken away from me many years ago. So, I ignored him, fought him, and I kept trying to do things on my own to no avail. In the mean time I've fluctuate from 306lbs to 317.6 lbs.

For a time being I neither gained nor lost - just maintained. When sin was at it worst in my life the pounds slowly began to creep back onto my body despite how hard I worked out. It wasn't until just recently that I've truly repented. I'm done playing a game that I know I can't ever win. I'm done. I'm tired and I feel raw, vulnerable and exposed. All the things I've chased in the last 4 months have left me empty and lonely. I'm desperate for God to change my life. I'm desperate for him to either take me off this planet or change my life in such a way He becomes my one and only desire.

I simply wanted to let y'all know where I've been these last few months. I wanted to let you know where my heart was and I wanted to ask you to please continue to lift me up during this time.

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